The Past is the Past

Dear Friend,

Every morning when a new day breaks, we have an opportunity to begin our life story on a new page. It’s another opportunity to steer our life in the direction that what we want. For me, that is an amasing gift!

What prevents us from beginning on a new page?

The past…..there was defining moments in our life, that had a severe impact on who we are as a person…..how we feel about ourselves, how we act, how we relate and respond to others. Whenever you’re in a similiar circumstance, you think back to those moments, almost re-live them and you tend to respond in the same way.

My defining moments, was before my teenage years. Those moments that made me feel powerless, I hated it and I wanted my power, my dignity back.

I accomplished it, by playing the powerless/innocent victim (when I was hurt by the “oppressor“) combined with a saint like demeanour. Sometimes it took some manipulation. To make others see, how hurt I was, in return they would feel sorry for me, give me attention, understanding, love and hate the “oppressor”. It was only a temporarily solution, inside I still felt insecure and not good enough.

I also had a huge problem with authority figures. I was always scared of going to the principles office or getting disciplined by any authority male figure. As I got older I learned how to cope with it, to prevent me from feeling insecure, I entered the principall or boss office, on guard, ready for attack. A ticking time bomb that can go off at any second. That is not good, because I cannot learn from it and I am always right. I come across as having anger issues and not mature. When people relate to me, they would be scared to set me off and hold back on what they really want to say.

Over the past year, I have found myself, thinking about and re-living negative past experiences. I mean, we are taught, that we have to deal with the past, the past brings us to where we are now, therefore the past is very important and a huge part of who we are. I disagree.

Yes, your past has shaped you and if your aware of the critical moments in your life, you can easily recognise those feelings when they arise, you can see the root and deal with it, without reliving those moments and setting yourself up for failure.

Now (today) when I play the victim to get attention, I recognise the root from the past and try to deal with it differently. I think many of us live our daily lives in the past. Rethinking all the horrible stuff that happened to you and that cripples you. On the other end, we stress about the future, so much that we nearly live in the future. You must be asking yourself? Where should I live then, if I don’t live in the past or in the future..?

You should live in this current moment, because that is the only thing that is real. If your with someone, be present, don’t try to think about what they are going to say in the future, so that you have a relevant reply. Don’t think about tomorrow’s work or the bills that will come in the post, cause that moment is not there yet.

How many times have you walked home from the train station or drove home from work, when you arrive home, you barely remember how you got there nor what you saw on the road home.

When I get out of the tube. I try to breathe, smell the air, look around me when I walk……look at the trees, buildings, be aware of how I feel in that moment, the moment where I put the day behind me and just think of now and being present.

Many of my friends cannot be alone with themselves at home. They tend to spent time on the phone with friends or on facebook. What is chasing them, what prevents them from being quiet? Yes, we all need friends who we can relate to and catch up with….organise a dinner, where you can be present and enjoy each others company? or talk on facebook, but get those few nights a week, where you are alone at home and enjoying it. Doing things for yourself.

Another result of my past experience, is that I want to please people and not say no. Recently I learned from The Judds, to just say “That doesn’t work for me right now”.

Today, think for the last time about your most defining moments in your life, that still have an impact on you. That tells you how to feel and respond in a certain way. Make peace with it, be aware of it and replace it with positive thoughts and remember that is your past. Your a different person now, you only deserve the best. When situations arise and you recognise its from the negative past deal with it, instead of thinking about it. I say: “I am a winner, I have conquered some heavy battles, I love myself and i can do anything, I am prepared, I will succeed” . I won’t go on telling my traumatic life story to anyone anymore. Everyone has a story, some more dramatic than others, but it’s what we do with our story, that makes the difference.

Yes, we all have done bad things in the past, things we are not proud of. You cannot change the past. You can only change the present and how you deal with things now. When you eat food, put the computer away. When is the last time you smelled, tasted the food and felt the texture.

For me this is a lifestyle, a decision, I have to make every day. I have to make the decision to be conscious and present in every situation. Not to rethink and relive my past, but by being positive today. Shaping my life on how I want it to be today. If I am not happy with how today went, well tonight the sun will set, night will break, I will go to sleep and wake up to a beautiful  new day.

It’s one thing to be aware of the past. It’s another thing to relive those moments, meditate on them, let those same feelings arise and set yourself up for failure.

The flip side is also true, remember the positive and successful most defining moments and let them inspire you instead of negativity. But beware. This is not an all day pass” ticket to be arrogant nor to fuel your ego. Just feel positive, you got a great outcome and within you, is unlimited potential, you can do it again.

What is your most defining negative and positive moments of your life, that shaped who you are as a person and let you react in a similar manner. Look at the screen, think about what I wrote, instead of thinking about what is to come next, be here, be present, that is the only real thing, that you can change. Surround yourself with positive things, read positive books. Well for me, I like to watch the “Oprah Winfrey Show”. Me and Oprah just think alike:-)) I have respect for her now, she’s no longer my idol. Like a teacher to a student.

I am going to read “Peace from Broken Pieces” by Iyanla Vazant. Iyanla is a women that was teaching others, she was successful, then the tables turned on her, by choices she made and she lost it all. She is now aware of her past mistakes and one day, I know she will get to the top and be ready for it.

Speak Soon

John

Everybody wants to be F-A-M-O-U-S

Dear Friend,

We live in a society, where a lot of people aspire to be rich and famous. Will I be the next reality television star? Will I be the next face of Vogue? A society where everyone is for themself. Who we are is valued by others, by what we do.

I ask you, do you want to be famous and why? Are you dreaming about Hollywood or living in the limelight? To be recognised in the streets and smiling all the way to the bank.

I thought I was talented and had the skills, to be an entertainer. I convinced myself my intention is to do a job that is fun, not to be famous. I pursued a career in the entertainment industry with all my heart. I tried my best for many years, it did not work out and I had to ask myself why? I had to check my heart. I discovered that I wanted to be surrounded by famous people and get recognition from them, to validate who I am as a person, to let others be proud of me. It sidelined me, from my real purpose in life. God knows our hearts, more importantly, he knows the intention from every heart.

I am glad that I did not get it, for with my intention, I would have hurt more people on the way and walked over more people to get there. For my intention, was only about myself and yes, I did try my best to help others with their career on the way too, as that is part of who I am, I care about people. My energy went into work, that was not in line with what the talents, interests and skills I am equipped with for my life journey.

Today, I sat on the couch, got quiet…was just there in the moment….watching the blue skies through the window. I felt content, with a notion in my heart, that I am getting on course again….back to John’s path for life and not idealizing what my life should be. A path that will lead me to my destiny and be a real blessing to others.

I now realise, that when I finished school and studied psychology, that I was on the right course……but the time was not right!!! I am getting back to the books, to study the way we think, act and relate to others. Yes, the School of Psychology and maybe one day, the sum of my life experiences, my skills, combined with expert teaching, will result in a job, where I will be able to help others, see the best of themselves. Whether that is in a private office or online or on television, it’s not with the intention to be famous.

I say it again, what you do, does not define who you are as a person! It’s your character, attitude and values that others measure.

John

 

MY “THE ONLY WAY IS ESSEX” ADVENTURE

Dear Friends,

Life is awesome and everything is coming together for me right now!

Not only has my footage of “Life in a day” been chosen to be included in Kevin Macdonald and Ridley Scotts new feature film project “Life in a Day” that opens at Sundance Film Festival, but I also had a chance to showcase my talent to itv at the “Only Way Is Essex” callback auditions. The latter is what I will be telling you about.

I am a die hard “Paris Hilton” fan as many of you know. I was watching the Final episode of her BFF series, when I saw the ad, that itv is looking for characters for their new reality show “The Only Way Is Essex”. I went onto the itv website immediately, which stated that one person will have the chance of making an appearance in the show, all you have to do is record a video and out of all the videos, 30 will be shortlisted to meet the producers and only one person will get the role. It was 23:00 at night, the video submissions will come to an end the next day at 12pm. I also made the bold decision of auditioning as “Snowtrash”, because it’s a reality show and the premise of the show is right up her alley. Gomes helped me, we shot my video, I stayed up all night to edit the video, uploaded it to the itv website, then headed for bed at 6am. When I woke up, my video went directly to the featured section on the site, with 5 others!! This made me excited.

A few days later Gomes called me and asked if I checked my emails, as ITV wanted to talk to me. I had a feeling, it is because they wanted to consider me for the show. I called Helen, who is responsible for the show and she asked if I will be at the auditions….I replied with a “Hell Yeah”. Gomes took me shopping, I got a new wig, sexy pantyhose, georgiouss eye lashes and was ready to dazzle the producers.

On the day of the auditions, I woke up at 8am. I shaved off most of my body hair, got into my snowtrash outfit, make up! I left at 11am, the auditions were at noon in Essex! I am always late ugh! It turned out not be that far away!!

I arrived at Faces nightclub (which itv converted into a studio) at 12:05! As soon as I walked into the Lounge, the room went quiet!! All 30 contestants were looking at me!!! I just asked myself, WWCWD (What Would Chrissie Wunna Do). I pouted, followed by a hairtoss, immediately the film crew came over, asked if they could steal me away for some interviews and shots! They filmed me walking into Faces nightclub…then asked on camera, what is up with my outfit. I explained that I am a performance artist, the love child of David Bowie and Lady Gaga! This is my gay side and I wanted to share it with Brittain!!

I have to tell you, all 30 people that were there, were no ordinary people, but the strongest characters in London, all under one roof! When I returned to the Lounge, I could see the claws were out and they were ready for the kill. I thought game on bitches, now you have a competition. It was interesting to watch a group of people that never met, making little groups with people that they associate with and after an hour, the gossip started! I decided to be quiet and just observe the big characters and learn about them. We were informed there was a judging panel, we will all be quizzed and after 3-4 hours 20 people will go home! That made me slightly nervous.

Our first quiz was: Name 3 things about yourself, 2 true and 1 a lie! It was all the contestants and judges job, to expose the lies! Everything was filmed! After this, we had our first elimination round. When I heard the judges mention my name and that I made the top 10, I almost jumped through the roof of excitement! Yes, most of the 20 contestants could not believe they are going home and I am staying!! That teaches you, not to judge a book by it’s cover!

The top 10, were then asked, if we could be president for one day, what law will we enforce!!! I want to share Craig Thompson answer with ya “My law would be, if your a man, that makes a baby, you will have to take care and be there for the child, the rest of your life”……I later learned that Craig finally found his biological dad on Facebook, they are now in contact!! Soon they will meet for the first time ever! Good luck Craig.

Let me tell you more about the strongest characters in the top 10. Craig Thompson is 22 and he is a Youth Worker, very kind, intelligent, fun guy! Emily the Big Breasted Essex girl, with a loud voice!

Chane, the black stripper with a 8 year old child and double D, silicone breats. A pure Diva. I did not like her initially but at the end we were friends. Stephen, well built essex lad, not the sharpest knife in the drawer, I thought he had a bit of a spanner appearance, like he could be a mechanic! Eebie, a singer/songwriter, he just wrote a song for Girls Aloud, which they are going to record. Eebie, had a bit of a classy drag look, definitely a fun, witty character, that is not scared of anything! Then there was Keniro- A hot, cute, witty guy (i think he is gay) that caught snowtrash fancy:-)

The next round was debating!  2 candidates will be taking the hot seat. 1 will be agreeing with the topic and the other will disagree! We only had 1 minute to debate! The judges paired us up.

Ugh the judges chose Chane for me, a cut throat girl, that always have something to say!! She immediately told the others “I am with Snow”. I had to argue “Beautifull Girls are not stupid” and she had to argue “Beautifull girls are stupid”. Well I just had to bring the conversation back to her, a beautifull girl and let her admit she is beautifull. I aced it and she was speechless. I felt a bit akward afterwards. We bumped our boobies and made friends.

It was Stephen time to argue, he just kept saying “Can you please repeat what I have to debate”. “Sorry can you explain that to me” “sorry what is the debating topic again”. I was reminded by Brian from Big Brother!!! UGH!

When Stephen finished, he sat next to me and say “WOW, your very brave to appear like this in public, good on you”. I just smirked and thought, WHATEVA!!!! We took a break before the announcement of the Top 3, candidates.

I had a smoke outside. When I returned to the Lounge! Stephen was all stretched out on the couch and interviewed, yes he was busy slagging me off on camera. He had the attitude of “ I am the most georgiouss guy here and I have the biggest dick of everyone”. “Why is there someone here with a South African accent, I mean this show is about Essex!!!” (Oh how badly I wanted to bitch slap him on camera….or go and sit on his lap and give him some sweet loving). Stephen I have news for you! Not everyone in Essex is British Dude!! The U.K is multi-racial and have people from all over the world and telly should represent that!

When my time on camera came….well you just gotta wait and see how I got even with little Stevie!! Not with force, nor aggression, good old sarcasm!!!

I did not make the top 3. But Chane (stripper), Stephen (mr stupid essex) and Emily (essex glamour girl) did.

The only way is Essex begins on the 10 October on itv2. Don’t miss the show! It is “The Hills” for Essex! Hot Rich Essex men and woman living their life in Essex. Part documentary, part soap!!!

The production company was very secretive, we asked why our day was filmed and the judging panel too! And whether the footage will make it into the show! We were told to wait and see! I also researched the production company, it seems they are working on shows, where there is interaction with viewers at home! so maybe the public can vote some characters in! Who knows….fingers crossed you see me on telly in “The only way is essex”.

I thanked the judges for putting me through to the top 10! They also asked me to leave all my contact details for them! 2 producers were on the panel and 1 itv executive!!! Yes, the producer was male and super sexy!! Let’s see how this one pans out, it was the first time, I ever auditioned for t.v and some influential people got to know me. It was a day filled with fun, extroverted people, who all fought for the judges attention and hoped to leave a lasting impression. It was the most fun I have had in a long time! It all just felt so natural. I know the first company that works with me, will have a star on their hands!!

ITV tweeted about me a few times during the day “We have a male snow white, dont know why he dressed like that….But he stands out”. They loved the love child part and OH I also got to do an Essex accent on camera, it sounded more like indian if you ask me! Well, you want to know who won the role? I guess you have to wait and see……I signed a non-disclosure-agreement!

I am pouting, winking, wiggling and feels great!!! Hope your making your dreams come true!!! Fingers crossed, one day I will have a show, where I will have a long term role! In the meantime, I am working hard towards it!

When I left, I saw Eebie on the underground platform waiting for the central line! We had a good old banter and gossip, whilst reflecting about the day and this amasing opportunity that ITV gave us! I am sure my mom was looking down from heaven with a smile, very proud saying “That’s MY son”.

Kisses

John

Yeah Chane Baby Shake it Love!

My debating competition! She sure can work a pole!

Miss Essex Emily on the Left and Craig on the Right

Eebie the sweetie

The Happy Fun Bunch!! Oh and Keniro the Hottie on the Left!

Mr. Spanner Stephen in the middle pffff

Stuart The Fun Presenter! This is the best pic you gonna get!!

Yes pic was taken without me knowing! Miss clumsy!

The Only Way is Essex!! YAY!!!!

The seasons of Life

Hey friends,

Been a long time since i posted a blog! My inspiration just went out of the window. This week my muse seems to be back and it’s time for some reflection and banter about life.

Life is full of seasons. There is a season to party like a rockstar, make love like a pornstar, be single, start a career and form new friendships. My biggest discontentment is not being able to get a paid position for my dream job.  I have chosen to persue a tough profession, it’s not by choice, but in my blood. Everytime I want out, it keeps finding me. That is to work in the entertainment industry, whether it is producing, acting or to DJ. Office jobs or hospitality jobs just don’t do me well.

I have started so many times and every time I am convinced, this will be my break, it’s gonna be huge. At some point it all goes down the drain. I have worked with Hollywood feature film writers, directors and financiers. I kept focus during the WGA writers strike. Had the parties at Cannes Film festival and was on the verge of signing a finance deal for “Young Robin Hood”. Untill the writers got attitude, asked for more money, Ridley Scott released his Robin Hood movie and it all came crashing down. From 100% excitement to being down in the dumps.

I then give the middle finger . Right now, I have given up on feature films. It’s just tough, the studios runs the business, have development deals with production companies and talent. It’s hard for a young man like myself to break in. I have tried for 3 years. I wish I could just secure a job in america and go there! Or maybe just get an apprentice ship and prove myself. I have an eye for good stories, work well with people and help where I can.

I want to tell you about Ross Brown. I had a project “Miss.Romance” and wanted to work with a very talented Director- Ryan Little. You know what, when I called Ross (who managed Ryan) there was no receptionist. Ross didn’t ask for my C.V, but he asked me some tough questions on the phone. He then promised me, he would read the script over the weekend and he did. Was great to get some feedback and Ryan liked the script too. They call Ross Billy Blunt!! He is always dead honest with me, don’t tell me stuff just to tickle my ears. He has been working in the industry for 30 years and to give me his time, attention and respect, made me believe in myself. I tried my best to get “Miss.Romance” off the ground and worked with a top U.K production company. It was an unconventional romcom, a bit too cheesy and robotic at times, but with the team it would have been great. With Ross, I have made a friend for life. Which reminds me to call him soon and talk about film. Ross has been married to mary his beloved wife for 30 years. He is the funniest manager I ever met. Oh, he taught me the word FLUFFER!!! Didn’t know what it meant before.

The hardest part was to say NEXT, this is the end of my project, I have been working on for 2 years. I am glad I had the experience I did, I was very young, everything I knew I taught myself or read books. I made loads of mistakes, but hell I tried. I was on the track and I ran this marathon. Glad I did, I grew personally, got tougher and learned a lot. I also met great people that I will always remember.

Who knows where life will take me with my career!! Will I settle for the office job in front of the computer all day………

I enjoy producing my you tube shows. I just want more people to watch it and hope someone will spot my talent and give me an opportunity. When I don’t get a lot of views, I do get a bit down. But the next week I am back with a killer video.

Life is a rollercoaster enjoy the ride. It is filled with ups and downs. Laughter and tears. Remember to celebrate those good times, open a champagne, feel the moment!!

I now know, that seasons don’t stay around forever nor are they short. After winter, summer comes. As long as you work towards something. You will see the fruit of your labour! Enjoy your current life season, I know it’s tough. You see where you need to be and you want it now. No my friend, there is barriers to overcome, skills you need to learn, to make sure when you get to your destination, that your in top shape!!

Thank you to all of you that watch my You Tube videos. I do appreciate it and do remember that your making my dream come true, with every view! I love to read your comments. In a sense thats my reward. I hope I get you all thinking, but more than that, laugh like there is no tomorrow. Stand up for the champions!!

Sunday, I am  going to Whipps cross hospital Radio. I am going to meet the patients and week after that, go to the radio station and see what they do. Can’t wait to do my first show live on air.

I might be starting over now, but I feel like I am on course. All this happens for a reason and I will keep the faith. Hopefully one day, I can blog from my apartment in California.

I love you all

Best

John xx

Pictures of Mom

Dear Reader,

I haven’t seen any pictures of my mother in nearly 3 years. I brought one picture with me from South Africa and it went missing with all the moving I did in London.

My brother emailed me a few pictures today. When I opened the pics, it was amasing to see my mothers face again. Yeah, I think I look like her. All 3 our kids have something of mom.

Well, I wanted to share the pics with you, to show you what my mom looked like. As long as I can remember my mother was skinny, it was hard for her to put on weight. Some people are lucky, they are just born that way. I think stress also contributed.

Here is the story behind the pictures:

The picture of my mom, with our 3 Kids

My mom hasn’t seen us for a while. We went to visit her. To cherish the moment and also to boast to others about her three georgiouss children, she took us to the nearest photo studio. Our kids thought it was silly, why do we need to go and pose in front of a photographer. We were teens and it was a bit uncool. In the end, mom persuaded us and we took the picture. I think this is also, the final time that mom had all three her children with her at the same time. Mother also made a poster size print of the photo and put it on her wall. After her death, I took the picture and put it on my bedroom wall.

Wedding picture with her new father in law

This is one of my mothers wedding pictures. Taken a few weeks before she passed away. Her dress looked stunning.

Today is a happy day, I am sharing the good part with you, the memory of a woman that searched this earth to find true love, which she found in her children. This is how I remember her!

See mom its nearly 7 years and we are still thinking about you, keeping your memory alive !! You must have done something right. We will always love you!! Now give the folks in heaven a break, sure they know all about us now. Whenever I watch “Pretty Woman” I will think of you Cinda-Fuckin-Rella. I will continue to dance like you did whilst listening to “Going Back West-Boney M”.

Love

John xxxx

Mom was the happiest with all three kids, by her side

Our Princess

Murder or Suicide Part 2

Dear Friends,

My brother and sister both got a Blackberry phone, it has free twitter on them. They have officially joined twitter, now we more in contact and for that I am gratefull.

It also means that they discovered the blog. We haven’t really spoken about my mothers death. We all tried to deal with it on or own. Maybe we try not to think about it. That way it hurst less.

For a long time, my family appeared to the outside world as happy, acting like everything is o.k. The family is sacred, therefore whatever happens in the family stays a secret. I believe, nothing should be under wraps but should be brought to the light, that it loses it’s power. At the age of 15 I was suicidal. The only way out, was to speak with a school psychiatrist. When I went to my teacher and asked to see the psychiatrist, she was shocked. I mean, John why do you need one. You have a great life. Well, maybe everything is not as it seem.

My brother is upset, that I posted the blog. He sees my mothers death as private. Maybe it is private, but it’s part of my story. My brother commented, that my mother only loved me and my sister. She was very proud of us. Jacques, you and mom was very similiar. You played cards with her for hours at night. Only you and her knew every single word of “Pretty Woman” and “The Lion King”. It meant the world to mom, that when the divorce came, you went to live with her. I know it was not easy. I will never forget your 18 birthday. The proudness in mothers eyes, when she spoke about you. The boy with a heart of gold, that always stood by her. She loves all of our kids. Maybe because you lived with her, was there with you and she did not see us a lot. Maybe she missed us, that’s why she talked to you about us. You were her blue eyed boy.

O.K. Back to the story.

When my mother got married. My aunt filmed the wedding, mother wanted us to see it. I managed to go to my aunt a few months after the funeral and watched the tape. WOW!! My mother looked like a princess. A short white wedding dress, with a very long trail. She was so happy! She listened to every word of the preacher. Nodded her head to the words. She also had a message on the tape for us: John, Jacques, Jenny I love you so much, wished you could be here, but look at your mom. Ugh, I wish I had a copy of this tape. I only saw it once. Did my mom realise she had enough of life, got married to this guy, just to have a fairytale wedding, where she was the star. I think, that because of the alcohol consumed on the day of her death, things got out of hand. He must have upset her a lot. I don’t know.

A year  after her death, I went to the Police officer, that handled her case. I read the police report. It said there was a fight about cigarettes. The officer told me, he did not believe what her husband was telling him in the statement. He tried every angle to get to the truth, but the story remained the same. The officer said, that he had 300 murder cases to investigate himself. He just don’t have the time. He also had another concern. The police were only called 45 min after the gunshot. When they arrived on the scene, it was contaminated. I look at the pics they took when they arrived. My mom, was on her bed, under a gray blanket. They took the grey blanket off. Her hands were on her belly, holding the gun!!!

It was a head wound. The right temple. There was no traces of blood anywhere in the room. Well, her husband told me, that he haven’t even washed the blood of the walls before her funeral. Here I was, asking the officer where is the blood.

They did not do a gunpowder residu test.

No one will know what happened on that dreadful day. My mother a newly wed, having plans the day before, being excited about my visit the coming week, she also wanted a spin in my brothers car. It all ended so suddenly. We buried our mom and to this day, we all pray that we had more time with her. That we visited her more, that we made more of an effort. But we were all teens/young adults at that time. If she only held on and did not give up, she would have had all 3 her children by her side. We are older now and wiser. I know that one day, we will meet my mom again. Now, she is in heaven, boasting about her 3 kids.

Mom never found true love in this life. But she found love through her children. In our eyes and smiles, she will live on forever. Maybe we will see some of her in our kids.

Love

John xxxx

Was my mother Marthie Fronike Harris Murdered or was it Suicide?

Dear Friends,

I am finally ready to write this blog post. This month will be the 7th anniversary of my mother’s death. Please don’t read this blog if you’re at work, read it at home.

I am writing this blog, to help everyone that has lost a loved one. We all deal with bereavement differently, but we all have  one thing in common- Loss and as a result pain because of it.

Also, to let you know that Suicide is not a solution.

I studied in Bloemfontein, it’s about 6 hours drive from where my mother lived. I received a call from my mother, she told me that she met the most amazing man, she is very happy and so much in love. It’s like a fairytale and the real deal “Cinda-Fuckin rella”. Then she broke the news to me, that she is getting married to him within the next two months. I asked her if she is not rushing into it and she told me, that she needs medical aid. She has been alone for 3 years, this man Harris, has 2 children too. A boy 10 years old and a girl 12 years old. The two kids, were raised by Harris mother, as he had to work long hours and could not take care of them. She went over to Harris mom and decided that both kids should move in with them. My mother missed having kids around. Both children called her mom. The girl had a disability and my mom spent many nights preparing them for their exams. Yes, she had a big heart, she loved them as her own. When the boy played Rugby, she was there on the field, supporting him.

Mother got married during the week, at their house and none of our children could attend. 2 weeks after her wedding, I went home, as fathers day were approaching and my dad wanted us all to go to our farm. I missed my mother a lot and decided to go to her new house to surprise her and meet her new husband. It was a Friday. When I arrived at their home, I met her husband, he told me that my mom went to the shop quickly. He showed me around and looked like a nice guy. I had a good first impression. After 20 minutes we were outside, my mother came running through the back door, all excited…..”Where is my boy, where is he”…..I said “here I am mom”….she ran to me smiling, hugging me, she was delighted to see me. Yes, she knew I was somewhere as my car was parked in the drive way.

Mom made me something to drink. She told me how beautiful her wedding was, showed me the pictures and she wished we were there. One of the bridesmaids, were chosen, because she looked a lot like my sister! My mother was a gorgeous bride! She went on, to tell me how happy she is and told me that she had a lot of plans for the house. She was getting the guest bedroom ready for our visits. She had cages outside with birds. I saw my mother alive and happy!! While we were talking her husband wanted her to find a screwdriver for him. As soon as he spoke, she jumped up! I got the impression, she was scared of him.

My mom, took me into her bedroom and told me that she has a surprise for me. She got me something, as I turned 21 a few months ago. It was a book with daily devotionals and she wrote on the front for me. I said “Oh, it’s a poem”. She said “yes, it’s something that always helped her during tough times”. The words said “Never give up, go on, every cloud has a silver lining. Hard times always pass”.  She said, she did not have money to buy me a big present. I told her, that it’s special and I loved it. She went on to show me the gun my dad gave her. My dad has a lot of firearms. He is a hunter and loves to collect fire arms. He had too many, so decided to put this one in my mothers name, to get a fire arm license.

My mom was scared to be home alone at night, when her husband was working night shift. So she asked, my dad for the gun and he gave it to her. She then went on, to tell me, that it’s quite hard to use this gun, as it has a SAFE and u have to load it. But she will learn how it works.

My mother asked if my brother and sister are well. My brother just got a new car and she told me, that I must tell him, to take her for a spin!!! She asked, if I believe they accepted the Lord and would go to heaven one day. As she just rededicated her life to the Lord. I told her, I think they will go to heaven.

The time then came for me to leave. My mom pleaded with me to stay for the weekend. I told her I could not, as it was fathers day. My dad was waiting for me on the farm. But as it was school holiday, I would come on Tuesday to visit her. She walked with me to the car and she started to cry. She told me that it’s winter, she doesn’t have something warm to wear and she is cold. If I could ask my sister if she could lend her a sweater. I was angry, as her husband is supposed to take care of her. I told mom to ask him to buy her a sweater, he is a chemical engineer and is doing well financially. She said, no, she does not want to ask him for money.

Well, I left the house crying. Feeling that something is very wrong. My mom is putting on an act, like she is happy, just not to upset me.

The next day was Saturday. I left about 11am with my aunt and brother to go to our farm. I was driving for about 3 hours and decided to take a break and stop at a garage. My brother went to the loo and my aunt went to the shop.

My mobile phone rang. I answered……it was my mother’s husband. He was crying so much, it was hard to know what he was saying. I knew something happened to my mother. I screamed. “Is my mother o.k”. He said “No”. I then asked is she in the hospital….He said “No, she shot herself and is dead”. I thank God, that I was not driving. I lost it. My aunt came back to the car, tried to calm me down and asked me to tell her what is wrong. My brother returned…I looked him in the eyes, he started to cry and said “It’s mom right”. I said “Yes, she passed away”.

When we got to the farm, I just wanted my grandmother, to hug me and never let me go. I mean I saw my mom, the day before and was going to visit her on the Tuesday.

I wondered what happened? My mother was supposed to be over the moon, she was only married for two weeks? I was told by her friends, that visited her, when it happened. That they were having a BBQ. Everyone was drinking. The kids were hungry and Harris asked her to make food for them. My mom said, that the kids can wait for the BBQ. He then got angry, went into the house and started to prepare food for the kids. One of her friends, saw him, with the gun tucked into his jeans. My mom came into the house, then they had a fight about cigarettes. It was so loud that the neighbours could hear it. A few minutes later, everyone heard the gunshot.

I could not believe that my mom killed herself over food and a fight over cigarettes. Her husband told us, that he had no money to pay for my mothers funeral. My dad decided to pay for the entire funeral. As she was still our mother and he wanted us to give her a good funeral. My dad said “What a tragic ending, to a tragic life”. When we needed to choose the coffin, Harris cried hysterical and said, he cannot look at the coffins. Our kids should choose one. He just cried “My sweetheart I miss u”. Harris told me that he sleeps at her grave at night and that she haunts him. Yes, me, my brother and sister planned the funeral by ourselves and buried our mother. She was only 39 years old.

My mom always wrote letters to us. There was no suicide note this time. Maybe there was one and her husband did not want us to see it. Her husband was with her, when everything happened. My mom was thin. Surely he had enough strength to stop it? Why did he carry the gun earlier? Was my mom trying to say, something to me on the day. In hindsight I think our conversation was odd.

I never memorised  the exact day, that my mom passed away, as I don’t want to think of it every year and be sad. I know it’s mid July. My mom had the most beautiful smile. I remember her smile, one day, before her death, when I surprised her with a visit.

I love you mom. I know you had a hard life, you fighted as hard as you could. But I know, if you waited a few more minutes, you would have seen there is hope!

We are taught by society. “How are you”. “I am very well Thank You”. We can never say Ugh! Crap, this day sucks…..I feel so down. I salute my friends Gary and Shannon. Both of them would say to me. “John, I feel sad, I feel like crying” Then we would talk about it. I am a real person, tell it like it is and so are my friends. So if you feel sad, talk to your friends. You only live once, make the most of it! You matter, your life is important, you are loved. You are special, there is nobody else out there like you. Things will get better, just hang in there!!! Celebrate life, don’t look at your circumstances have faith.

Tomorrow I will tell you more about the police report and my mothers wedding video.

If you have any information about my mother’s death, if you comment to this blog it would be private. We deserve to know the truth.

The pain never goes away, it just gets less as the years go by. I wish I had a picture to show you of my mother. I don’t have any, but fingers crossed my brother and sister will email me some.

Love u xxxx

John